Military Humor

TALES FROM THE WOOBIE – Chapter 8: The National Guard Sergeant (Part 2)

“Failed Mental Ward Escapee”….that is not an exaggeration.

So the last time we were here, we heard a couple of stories about the National Guard Sergeant that I acquired during my first stint as a Section Chief. Welcome to the rest of those stories! This clown gave quite a bit of material. In fact, for these videos and blogs, I got a chance to reminisce on the tomfoolery with a few of my buddies from these times. Now, without holding this train wreck up any further, let’s get to it!

This first story is called the “Failed Mental Ward Escapee”….that is not an exaggeration. For a good time this guy who start showing up late, or not showing up at all. We finally are able to get hold of him and get some answers out of him. Apparently his wife has decided to leave him and take the kids with her. Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t see why she would? It’s not like he bought rims for his car at $1,500 a pop and got them repossessed 😉

I guess she just wanted those $3500 rims instead of the cheap stuff. So, anyway, this fucking guy is now all up in arms about losing his wife and kids even though he never spent time at home. He was out partying with his posse. And now when things go wrong (gee, I fucking wonder why). Anyway, we are running around one morning trying to find this guy. FINALLY we get him on the phone and get a location. He’s at some gas station off of Clear Creek Road right outside of Fort Hood.

He’s got a lighter in one hand and a knife in the other. We get him calmed down and in the car. Finally after hours of this nonsense, we get him back to the Battery. After what seemed to be 48 hours of investigating, we were ordered to take him to the mental ward. Not triage on the 5th floor of Darnall Hospital, but an actual mental ward. No joke, we went to find this building, and it was in the middle of Bumfuck Egypt. We had no idea how we got there or how we got back, but we did.

Tales from the Woobie - 8 - crazyWe get him in there, all of the paperwork to boot. He said he was ready to go. Then they took his laces, belt, etc. But the one thing that got him hot, that sent him over the edge…they took his cell phone. Damn kids and their phones. Anyway, he lost his shit. So while flipping out in the ward, they ask us to take him outside to calm him down. After pacing for about 20 minutes and cussing and just going bananas, he said in a loud and very adolescent boyish voice “fuck this I’m out.”

What did he do next? He scales a 20 foot wooden fence and tries to escape. My partner in crime and I basically have to pull him down. He’s holding on to the top of the fence and my colleague and I are literally pulling him down. Finally he comes down. Then he starts to climb a fucking tree. I swear you can’t make this up.

While in the tree, it’s basically a yell fest of “hey get down” and “no you can’t make me” and it didn’t stop…real childish stuff. Anyway, we finally get him down out of the tree. Now he wants to fight. Like, really man. You want to fist fight two of us and you’re about 130 pounds. So, after a minute, my colleague gets him in a choke hold. It was the creepiest looking choke I’ve ever seen. Then he got that look like he was ready to just go homicidal on this kid and not let up.

So I had to pull him off from choking him to death. Don’t get me wrong, after all the shit he put us through, I get it. But no, we can’t have that happening. So then more wrestling and fighting ensues, and we get him down and subdued. After that? We get him in and that’s that. What a nightmare!

Ready for another fun one?! Good! I will see you on February 1st with PART 3, the final chapter of this madness! I hope you all enjoyed.

Until next time.

Inappropriately Yours,

The Ball Pit


Active Duty Army Artilleryman; avid Clash of Clans player; husband who thoroughly disgruntled his wife; creator/host of The Ball Pit on Facebook and YouTube; blog writer for Gruntworks; Twitter - @theball_pit; Instagram - @theballpit1; Facebook - @theballpit1; YouTube - Subscribe to the channel, like and follow on all the social media platforms above, and check out all of my blogs found here, and at Gruntworks!

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