Military Humor

TALES FROM THE WOOBIE – Chapter 7: The National Guard Sergeant

He showed up to us with a full beard, a ton of hair, and an attitude that made him think he was the next big thing.

Remember when I told you last time, about the stripe wearing moron named Westfield? WELCOME TO THAT TALE!

So back in 2013, we acquired this alleged NCO from the National Guard. I don’t remember how all of this kicked off but what I do have is a series of stories that are in no particular order. So please, buckle the hell up and get ready for some fuckery!

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Now, to give you an idea of who this “grown man” is…he’s a guy who showed up from AIT after leaving the National Guard. He somehow swindled his way into keeping his rank of Sergeant. I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what he did in the NG, but whatever it was, they didn’t do him any favors. He showed up to us with a full beard, a ton of hair, and an attitude that made him think he was the next big thing. He was arguing for a spot as a Section Chief and got pissed off when I got the position even though this clown had no idea what he was doing. He had no desire to learn, no desire to train, no desire to teach. He ended up having a Corporal in charge of him for the longest time! That should tell you something. And before you get crazy and say we failed as NCO’s and leaders, shut your fucking mouths because we tried. We literally stayed late, came in early, and worked weekends trying to help this guy and he just didn’t care enough to retain anything.

This first story is entitled “Puss in Boots.” That’s right. A big giant puss, with boots. You know, those space boots you get when you hurt your foot or something? Yeah, this guy had 2 of them. So the first one happened when we rolled out to the field with our M777A2. He got excited and just dove out the back when we stopped instead of climbing down. He rolled his ankle. That’s boot number one. He even tried to get out of the field, but that was shut down real quick. Personally, I agree with that decision as I am someone who suffered through more ankle injuries than I care to count. The second one happened in probably the funniest moment I’ve ever witnessed.Tales from the Woobie - 7 - Field

So on the M777A2, there is a bar called a trident bar. It weighs about 80 lbs. I witnessed the entire scenario when it was removed and handed to him and he dropped it on his other foot. He claims a guy who’s about 160 lbs threw it at him. Which was about 5 feet. Absolutely no way this happened. NO WAY IN HELL THIS HAPPENED! We had a dude who was more jacked than the Mountain from Game of Thrones who couldn’t throw it that far. Anyway, he had to get sent to the rear at this point. What was crazy is he just left his weapon in the dirt. So he got a counseling for leaving S.I. unattended. He starts crying because someone of an equal pay grade counseled him. He then started breathing heavy and forced himself into a panic attack. A fucking grown ass man crying because he got counseled. What’s even funnier about this is he claimed, and I quote…”I left it with the guy in the section. You know, the short one.” Bro, we had 4 short mofo’s in the section! And NOT ONE PERSON SAID YOU LEFT IT WITH THEM! It was literally found caked in dirt next to the truck. So either you’re lying or someone in the section is screwing you over.

Tales from the Woobie - 7 - RimsStory number 2 is called “Repo Rims.” This dude had the Dodge equivalent of a hurst and it was the Dodge Magnum. He bought these rims on credit. You know, those big rims with a lot of gaps in them? Those rims that cost upwards of $1500 each. $1500 A PIECE FOR THESE RIMS! This dude thought it was the greatest idea to make his ride look super fly by spending $6000 on rims and then not paying for them. The ugliest rims I’ve ever seen in my life. He missed like 3 or 4 payments, and the people he got them from came to him at work and repo’d the shit out of those rims. Not repossessing the car….THEY REPO’D THE RIMS HE HAD ON HIS CAR! Now he’s in a financial situation. Like, damn dude! Get it together. You’re a NCO with a wife and 4 kids! Get it together and stop wasting your money!

There are a few more stories I would love to tell you about but I am saving those for the next episode of this fine blog. But let’s just say that this character was the one who got found out dealing drugs in the barracks with Private Walter White from the last episode.

The next episode or chapter in this saga will be a continuation of this one as I have the “failed mental ward escape” story and a little number called “trash lake”….. trust me, you won’t want to miss them.

Until next time.

Inappropriately Yours,

The Ball Pit


Active Duty Army Artilleryman; avid Clash of Clans player; husband who thoroughly disgruntled his wife; creator/host of The Ball Pit on Facebook and YouTube; blog writer for Gruntworks; Twitter - @theball_pit; Instagram - @theballpit1; Facebook - @theballpit1; YouTube - Subscribe to the channel, like and follow on all the social media platforms above, and check out all of my blogs found here, and at Gruntworks!

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