Military Humor

TALES FROM THE WOOBIE – Chapter 6: Private Walter White

CID searched his disgusting excuse of a house, and they found a bunch of syringes, needles, and watered down cocaine.


Fort Hood Texas….man, what a time, am I right?! I swear all of my stories don’t come from there, but some of the best ones do. Well, this comes from 2013 when I got my first chance to be a Section Chief. Now, before I continue, there is another story going on simultaneously, which I will briefly address here, but that’s for another day all together. So, for this story, I will begin with the first incident that comes to mind.

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We were out in the field, and this guy, Pvt. Lee. He showed up right as we were getting ready to go so he got stuck on rear d. The rear d was put on a no drink, no some other stuff order in case we needed bodies out there. The first night…the FIRST FUCKING NIGHT, this 19 year old idiot gets the cops called on himself at his house because his Shrek sized wife beat the shit out of him, and HE WAS DRINKING!!!! Like, come on man. You’ve been here literally 3 damn days and you’re already getting in trouble for underage drinking and a domestic call. This kid was 5’6’’ and 160 soaking wet. His wife? 6’ and 380 lbs. Looked like Andre the Giant.

So, once we handle that mess, we move to the next one. Cops get called again. Why this time? Good, glad you asked. Drugs. This dumb asshole found the money to go purchase enough Molly to sell to Soldiers in the barracks. Not only that, when he was arrested, CID searched his disgusting excuse of a house, and they found a bunch of syringes, needles, and watered down cocaine. In addition to that, he pops hot for weed and coke. Shocker. While he was dealing Molly in the barracks, he enlisted the help of a brand new Sergeant we acquired from the National Guard. I use the term Sergeant incredibly loosely…he was a dumb, stripe-wearing scumbag named Westfield. Don’t worry, we will get to him later on in the series.

Now, Private Walter White over here, denies everything just as any intelligent person would…goes through all of his extra duty, investigations, etc. I’m on CQ one night and this guy got busted again for breaking some rule. So now he’s on line of sight. Our Commander and 1SG decided that since the CQ desk could see the door to the training room, they’d give him just a bit of privacy. He’s on this for a week. One night, I go in to check on him since he was my moron. He’s there, does his check ins and whatnot. I leave and go home for the night. I come in at 0530 for barracks checks. When I get into the Battery, I go to wake up nimrod.

I go in the training room and it’s empty. There is the cot he was sleeping on. There was a sleeping bag. His hygiene bag was there too. I ask CQ and they said they checked on him around 0200 and he was asleep. In those three hours, dipshit decided to crawl out of the smallest window possible and left. Completely disappeared. Went AWOL like Houdini!

Tales from the Woobie - 6 - WalterFast forward almost a year. We just get back from NTC and I got word that homeboy got arrested. He was at the unit being detained and they were clearing him. I show up the next day to go see the shithead and he’s already discharged and gone. That is the story of my very own Private Walter White.

My biggest question will always be, how the fuck do these young brand new broke ass privates get money for all these drugs? I’m just trying to pay off my damn truck! Let me get a stack!

It is even funnier when you hear me tell it.  Watch below.

Until next time.

Inappropriately Yours,

The Ball Pit


Active Duty Army Artilleryman; avid Clash of Clans player; husband who thoroughly disgruntled his wife; creator/host of The Ball Pit on Facebook and YouTube; blog writer for Gruntworks; Twitter - @theball_pit; Instagram - @theballpit1; Facebook - @theballpit1; YouTube - Subscribe to the channel, like and follow on all the social media platforms above, and check out all of my blogs found here, and at Gruntworks!

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