Advertisements
Advertisements
Gruntworks History Military Humor

Gruntworks Media’s 10 Dumbest Fucking Things the U.S. Military Ever Did – #6: Rangers rob a bank

There was something different about these guys though; they weren’t the typical profile of bank robber.

Iron Mike – Gruntworks Resident Troublemaker

On Monday August 7th, 2006, the employees at the South Tacoma branch location of Bank of America found themselves staring down the barrels of a mixture of fully automatic Kalashnikovs and semi-automatic handguns as 4 balaclava-glad gunmen stormed the facility. There was something different about these guys though; they weren’t the typical profile of bank robber. They didn’t act like the common Northface jacket-wearing poltroon who hands the teller a hastily-written note and never brandishes a gun; or the irrational maniac who goes for the massive stacks of cash in the vault screaming the whole time and shooting wildly into the ceiling. These guys were methodical, professional, and in-and-out of the bank in under 3 minutes flat carrying $54,011 in cash. This was most shocking to police, who feared the bandits would strike again; and maybe next time they would cause casualties. Grateful to be alive after such a shocking ordeal, all the tellers from Bank of America had no idea they had just been on the receiving end of a military operation committed planned and executed by an ad-hoc joint US-Canadian SOF bank robbery task force. This ‘Task Force’ had been made lethally proficient in all the skills necessary to take down the bank by none other than the exacting standards and tough training regimen of the storied 75th Ranger Infantry Regiment.

The heist began with one especially malicious fucking dickbag named Luke Elliott Sommer (then a Specialist) deciding that his training in clearing rooms, close-quarters marksmanship, and reconnaissance would be best put to use robbing a fucking bank in the United States instead of protecting his country overseas. He recruited buddies from both Charlie Company, 2-75 and associates from Canada to participate in the robbery. In total, the conspiracy involved 5 (former) Rangers, and 2 Canadian civilians. They scouted for targets before eventually settling on the South Tacoma branch locations for their misdeed.10 Dumb Things - 6-1

The plan was executed nearly flawlessly… The heist was executed at 1715 hours when the bank would have a lot of cash on hand. The getaway driver dropped them right in front of the door. 4 men stormed in and established room dominance immediately, with one remaining lookout at the door. They ordered the staff to hand over all the bundled 20’s, 50’s, and 100-dollar bills from behind the register – completely ignoring the vault and safety-deposit boxes to save time. Then they stormed out as fast as they had come in with military duffel bags full of cash and sped away. Total time on objective? 2 minutes 21 seconds. There was one problem though; they had forgotten to remove the front license plate of the getaway vehicle. When four dudes in military-style attire run out of a bank carrying duffel bags, it tends to attract some attention – and one bystander wrote down the uncovered front license plate number and gave a very accurate description of the vehicle to the responding police.

Product Block - Tactifit 3Pack
They wouldn’t have been caught if they had been wearing Gruntworks TactiPolos.  Get them here.

By Tuesday afternoon, Federal Agents were raiding the 2-75 Barracks at Fort Lewis. They found stacks of cash, illegal weapons, loaded AK-47 magazines, clothing from the heist, live hand grenades, and improvised explosives – presumably made to standard straight out of the improvised munitions section of the Ranger Handbook. Over the next two weeks all the conspirators would be arrested from various locations across the continent (C/2-75 was on a 2-week leave when the robbery occurred) and the bunch of shitbags rolled over on each other. The ensuing investigation involved the Army, the FBI, the local police, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).

Sommer would be the extra-special fucktard of the bunch and while on trial for the bank job, he offered an undercover FBI agent cash to kill the US Attorney prosecuting him. Sommer then attacked a fellow conspirator with a shank believing he had informed about the murder plot.

Sommer finally plead guilty to all charges and will be in jail for at least 40 years beginning in 2010 after a lengthy series of court battles and his claims for political asylum in Canada where he held dual-citizenship. The shitbag had tried to claim his bank robbery was a ‘political statement’ and that he had witnessed war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan. These claims were ridiculous and unsubstantiated obviously – he was trying to throw shit at the wall to see if any of it would stick to get himself out of trouble. He’s in jail now, and will be for a very long time. Thus ending the darkest stain of embarrassment on the otherwise illustrious reputation of 2nd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment.  You can read about the whole ordeal here.

…And here you thought Navy dumbasses drawing sky dicks upset civilians? 

Advertisements
Advertisements

0 comments on “Gruntworks Media’s 10 Dumbest Fucking Things the U.S. Military Ever Did – #6: Rangers rob a bank

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: