TALES FROM THE WOOBIE
Chapter 3 – The Dick Blower
Fort Hood, TX…2014. Big year it was!
This story comes from one of those barracks room inspections you only hear about on the internet. Well good thing that’s what this is, so here you go! I had a Soldier. His name was Emerick. I don’t care about dropping names…what are they going to do to me? This ginger fuck was my biggest problem child ever in the military. He set the bar higher than those that went AWOL and those that ruined my St. Patty’s day by starting a barracks fight club. This kid…this kid was a fucking nightmare. Constant nonsense.
I acquired him while half of our Battalion was down range and the other half was on a bullshit “prepare to deploy” mission that usually never happens. Well, this one didn’t happen. Shocker. Thanks a lot 3CR!
He came over to us from the real rear detachment. The true ass and trash. He was a PFC. He was about to hit his 2 year mark to get promoted when he decided to violate the written and effective policy letter that shortened our mileage radius because of our mission. So what happens? He receives a summarized article 15; does his time; then gets promoted.
One day, our 1SG; who is an islander, and couldn’t speak unbroken English to save his life…no knock to him, he was an incredible 1SG…it just adds to the hilarity of the story; wanted to do pay day activities. So we all got all prettied up in our blues, did our in ranks inspections and prepped for barracks checks. Emerick, of course, was missing stuff even after he was given it and was supervised as it was put on his uniform. The question was begged, how the fuck did you lose it from there to here?! No answer. Fuck it, write it up.
Then we move to the barracks room.
As we enter, a fucking canoe falls over and hits the 1SG. Strike one. Once we get THAT secured, we move to the rest of the room. I will give credit where its due. He had his bed done up just right. He had his shirts rolled and socks canoed. No pun intended. Everything looked good except his nightstand. The drawers were shut. So we have him open them up. The 1SG walks over and immediately stops and looks at the NCOs in the room. “Who’s soldier he is?” Of course, I roll my eyes because I knew something was wrong. I claim him and he calls me over. I look down, back at Emerick, and just shake my head. My Gunny at the time, Gunny Z just starts laughing. I pull out a pair of handcuffs and point in the drawer. “What’s in there?” Z asks.
Without missing a beat, Emerick reaches in the drawer and says, “Oh, handcuffs, a whip and some chains.” Ya know what? You like what you like. On to the next drawer. Emerick pulls out an item and says, “and this is a gag bit.” The 1SG had no idea what it was, so Emerick explained it and the rest of us are just fucking dying. We thought that was the worst of it. We thought…..and boy were we wrong.
Bottom drawer. Are you guys ready? Buckle in.
1SG reaches in the drawer and pulls out….that’s right folks, a PENIS PUMP! YAY!!!!!!! At this point half of us had to leave the room and we are done. We are dying laughing and our Smoke (Platoon Sergeant) is just in utter shock. 1SG is still holding the pump and asks what it is. Emerick looks him dead in the eyes and with a smirk on his face (because he has no idea what’s even happening) and says, “Oh, that? That’s a penis pump Top.” 1SG drops it and starts cussing in multiple languages and looks right at us and yells, “WHY THE FUCK HE HAS A DICK BLOWER IN HIS FUCKING ROOM?!?!?!”
1SG storms off and we proceeded to get yelled at some more but none of it could be taken seriously.
Watch the full episode below:
The Ball Pit