Iron Mike – Gruntworks contributing blogger
Young Grunts, as we return from the MLK holiday weekend, I want to take this opportunity to brief you on a new threat to your safety. No, not some new kind of liquid opioid that will kill you if you touch it. Not deranged weirdos in clown outfits stalking public venues like back in 2015. Not even fat chicks trying to steal your precious seed in order to lay claim to your BAH, Tricare, and half your shit in the divorce. These things should already be known to you and scare you in their own right…
Today I have been made aware of a new and horrifying piece of news that should terrify every young man in America: Lena Dunham is single.
Now, for those of you who are wondering what a Lena Dunham is, she’s basically the most dangerous sexually depraved potato creature on earth. You married guys may recognize her as that terrible actress from the HBO show “Girls” that your wife’s overweight divorced friends won’t shut up about while they sit in your living room bitching about men and consuming your local supermarket’s finest boxed wine and cake. The rest of you may remember her as the twat who shilled for Hillary Clinton (despite not being registered to vote), ate cake on a toilet naked, and wrote a book about all the ways she molested her little sister… I don’t have any jokes here for this – that’s all shit she’s actually done and it’s really fucking disturbing. For a while we were safe as the hambeast had selected a weak beta-dweeb with whom to mate and drag to all manner of bizarre feminist activities; like learning about menstrual painting at a New York Modern Art gallery or helping her take Instagram pictures of her armpit hair.
In any case, you young barrel-chested freedom fighters should exercise extreme caution. Check your corners. Travel in buddy teams. Don’t get drunk without a sober team leader to manage your shenanigans… or else you could fall prey to a feral Lena Dunham, and forced to reciprocate inside her cavernous tuna-canoe like so many victims before you. We will make it through this together, if we exercise caution and avoid the places a Lena Dunham might be lurking. Avoid places that pretentious hipsters congregate like Starbucks or Whole Foods – basically anywhere the men smell like estrogen, that attracts her. Try not to drink too many craft beers or vape, again the estrogen in the beer and the vape fluid will attract her.
Try to do some man shit instead. Go to the gym. Work on your truck. Play pick-up football with your bros and rate women’s tits. Anything to reinforce that ‘Toxic Masculinity’ those ugly women with blue hair and a face full of slut-shrapnel are always bitching about. Masculinity is like ‘Off!’ Mosquito repellent for feminists… so it should help repel a wild Lena Dunham looking for a new victim to shove into her hairy Sarlacc Pit. Stay alert, stay alive. This dangerous creature is on the prowl and you need to keep yourself from being her next victim – until the crew of the Pequod can hunt her down and harpoon her for her Ambergris. Don’t end up explaining to all your buddies how you ended up with this hungry lesbian mushroom monster.