Military Humor Op/Ed

Coming Out as a Transgender in Trump’s Military

Iron Mike – Gruntworks Contributing Blogger

My whole life I’ve felt anxious sometimes. Sometimes it was before a final exam; sometimes it was on a vibrating thrill ride at a cheap amusement park in Ohio; and sometimes it was at church camp when Pastor Mark would make us all take off our shirts and jump on the bed together. I just couldn’t help feeling strange at various stages of my childhood. My parents would tell me that it was normal to feel weird about things as I grew and developed; that learning the world around me would challenge my perceptions; and that my body was going through puberty meaning that as my hormones changed in accordance with my natural development encoded by my DNA – I would sometimes feel things that made me uncomfortable. I was taught that since I was a male I would be judged based on the social values of my western civilization that were expected of a man, values that stem from our natural roles as providers and defenders exemplified by nearly every male in every single higher order social mammal…

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Well as time went on I did what males were expected to do. I played sports, worked out, pursued females with the expectation that one day I would breed with one of them and continue the cycle of life. It was probably my senior year of high school when I first noticed there was something different about me that went against the grain so to speak… I was not selected for a Division 1 football scholarship. I had identified as having the potential to play Left Guard for a D1 program for a long time, but society rejected my identity based on how I was born. I was a mere 6’3” and 240 pounds, but society said that someone like that isn’t meant to play offensive line for the University of Florida. Someone like me deserved to play at a DII school, with less than a full ride scholarship. It was then that I knew my identity and society were at odds.
Again, I did what men are expected to according to what those bigoted evolutionary biologists and all of civilization demanded I do as a male… To work and provide for a family and serve in some sort of protective capacity for my society. I decided to join the army so that I could earn money to support a family someday, but that just made my problems worse. See, the Army PT test kept scoring my performance on the male standard in the mid-280’s… but I identified as having a perfect score. People constantly telling me that my 288 APFT score was pretty good just made things even worse than they already were. It reminded me that I wasn’t who I knew I was deep down -namely, that I wasn’t better than everyone else like I thought I was. I went home at night searching for meaning and an answer to my problems. That’s when I read the courageous story of how brave Transgenders were standing up to the circumstances of their genetic make-up, birth, and natural abilities to become dominant Female athletes. I had always been taught that men competing with girls was detestable, like a bully beating up on a weaker person; but here they were… women that were born men absolutely crushing women’s sports. Weightlifting, cycling, Mixed Martial Arts, Track & Field… You name it there were transgenders absolutely destroying their fellow women and being called “Stunning and Brave”. I knew then that I had a lot of self-discovery to do. So I did what every millennial does when confronted with a problem; I got on Google and searched until I found something that validated everything I already believed.throatpunch-like

I discovered a number of LGBT blogs about Queer Feminist Gender Theory and I was hooked after the first 5,000 pages of rambling Tumblr posts. These social scientists were really onto something. I learned that my problems weren’t my fault, but Society’s fault. Literally everyone else’s fault but mine. Like they weren’t even really my problems, but problems that literally every other person had been oppressing me with by their expectations and biases developed by the evil entity called “The Patriarchy” and its main argument against progress for people like me “Evolution”. Everyone else was wrong but me! I learned that gender and sex had nothing to do with one another and everything I had learned about development from my PhD. Biology Professor back in college was wrong. I read the works of dozens of noted lesbians on the subject of Gender – if anyone knows how men should be; it’s a bunch of Marxist lesbians. I learned that “No Matter what all identities are valid!” and that what matters most is how you identify yourself. I learned Gender is on an infinite spectrum of masculine and feminine, not just the “Binary of Male and Female” and that there are infinite genders! I was shocked, all my problems suddenly made sense! I came to terms with the fact that I was Transgender… but not in the traditional way.

I realized the since Gender is not on a “Binary of Male and Female” that to transition genders means that I could slide anywhere along the spectrum. If being transgender only meant switching between male and female, then that reinforced the bigoted biological Gender Binary. I WAS a man, but I was meant to be a much MANLIER male than my genetics allowed because that’s how I identified myself. I was only 6’3” and 240 pounds but I SHOULD have been 6’8” and 275 with 8% body fat! I SHOULD have been born to look like Conan the Barbarian, but I was only a regular buff gym bro. Upon further reading of Gender Theory I realized that I was sort of unique in my gender identity, a ‘special snowflake’ if you will. I noticed that women transitioning to male and males that transitioned to female both dominated the outdated old kind of female at women’s sports, that making women more masculine was the only way to improve their inherent inferiority. Well the Feminist Theory I read said that all genders were exactly the same, only socialized differently… so if masculinizing women with hormones corrected their inherent deficiencies, then I need to be more masculine too. This would improve any of my inherent deficiencies as well.
Most transgenders were men that wanted to be feminized (resulting in a masculine woman), but I was a man that wanted to be hyper-masculinized. I decided my gender wasn’t “Male” but “Ubermensch”… and as an Ubermensch I too was oppressed by the Patriarchy – who were little girly men compared to me, and threatened by my superior ultra-maleness. This, I decided, was the reason anabolic steroids were illegal and banned in professional sports. I was coming to terms with these things as President Obama in his infinite wisdom allowed Transgenders to serve openly in the military and demanded that the public purse be used to pay for their “Medically Necessary” cosmetic surgery and unnatural hormone replacement so they could be who they really are inside based on their own subjective identity. Of course there were bigots who were all “This is insane” and “What about the wounded veterans who need care?” and “It’s biologically impossible to change your gender” … but those people didn’t matter. They were probably Republicans anyway. What’s most important is me and people like me. We transgenders are the rarest (Less than .5% of the population – about the same number as Schizophrenics), and therefore we have the most ‘Diversity’. Naturally we are the most important to take care of; you’re not a bigot, are you? I was thrilled, I declared my unique and special gender identity and walked into nearest Army hospital the very next day…

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I found out though, that the army was still bigoted and not ready for my needs. Apparently, the guidance was that only women who want to be masculinized are allowed to by pumped full of Testosterone supplements – when a man (which I was before I transitioned into an Ubermensch) like me does it, I could still be kicked out of the military for “Performance enhancing drug use”. I was absolutely crushed by this news, but I never showed any emotion – because that’s not what an ultra-hardcore masculine Ubermensch like me does. I may not have been an Ubermensch yet, but I could pretend to be one until surgery and hormones validated my identity for me. Surgery and hormones make everything real, because if it looks real then it is because that makes me feel better about myself. The only “treatment” available for people wanting to be more masculine was for women trying to overcome their natural inferiority and become men with daily Androgen injections. On a side note, men really are the best women. Caitlyn Jenner wasn’t even a woman for a year when she won “Woman of the Year”; name one of those outdated types of biologically female women that has ever done that? You can’t.
I tried to fight for my rights as a male-to-male transgender to get my daily steroids and HGH injections so that I could finally grow into the 6’8”, 275-pound monster I always knew I should have been before I was born in the wrong body, but the Army wouldn’t comply. Saying that my gender wasn’t valid and I didn’t meet the criteria for that “treatment”. What do they mean “treatment”? The DSM-5 says being transgender isn’t a disorder anymore – 13 people voted on it after being lobbied by us transgenders politically. There’s no way all this drastic body modification and suicide when people don’t use your preferred pronouns is a mental illness! They voted for Christ’s sake! Democracy means I don’t have a problem, society does for not accepting me as I believe I am! They changed the definitions of ‘Mental Illness’ too so that it’s only a mental illness if I can’t function. So, if all of society is forced to cater to me, then transgenders can’t possibly have a mental illness because society HAS TO give us whatever we want! Unfortunately the Army won’t budge and let me take the steroids I need to be who I believe I am inside. Gender has nothing to do with biology, but I need those steroids to change my biology to match my gender and the Army is being mean to me by not providing it. Steroids and cosmetic surgery are a Civil Right and the military should have to pay for it! Bernie Sanders said so! Maybe they just need it all for those defective lesser female women to try and bring them up to bare minimum adequacy as a transgender man?
I don’t like my chances of fully expressing my gender identity with Trump in office either. His focus on warfighting over ensuring my special needs are completely taken care of make me have suicidal ideations… and if I’m thinking about killing myself that’s a sure sign that I was meant for the emotional rigors of war. If I’m thinking about killing now, I’ll definitely be an asset to any unit on the battlefield. I hate President Trump now. What’s next on his agenda? Uniformity? Unit cohesion? Standards? Piss testing for anabolic steroids? Inculcating a warrior tradition that will return us to the fighting force that wiped out the Iraqi army in 2003? It’s all bullshit. Obama knew what he was doing – and that’s why Iraq is so peaceful and stable now. Obama knew that “Diversity is what wins wars” and I bring ‘Diversity’ to the military with my unique gender identity and healthcare problems. I am a strong, proud male-to-male transgender and I am proud of all the unnatural juices I pump into my body to be better than what nature saw fit to endow me with. It’s not my ego here, I really do know better than nature how I should be and everyone should be forced to play along with me!

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For now I have to suppress who I am and not fill myself with anabolic steroids and HGH until we have a President that’s progressive enough to allow me to be who I truly am. I may only bench 485 now, but one day I’ll be allowed to be who I am inside and the army will pay for my transition to a 600 pound bench. I think I may also need a penis enlargement surgery too. These 8 and a half inches aren’t cutting it. I identify as having a 19 inch cock. Someday Trump’s America will end, and then people like me will be free to inflict our ideology on you and your children again; so long as you don’t keep voting for those awful conservatives who think Biology is so great… In the meantime I will be pursuing another transition that is still allowed; transracial. Even though all four of my grandparents immigrated to the United States from Denmark in 1940 and I’m as blonde-haired and blue-eyed as a Hitler Youth Camp Counselor, I’ve always listened to hip hop. I know I’m transracial because the way I look doesn’t match the way I identify. I feel bad rapping “Fuck the Police” and looking at my white skin in the rear-view mirror. The same people who say “Gender is a Social Construct” say the same thing about race (Google it) so I should be able to be tattooed all over my body until I look on the outside the way I feel inside. I can’t wait for my first black history month as a genuine black person. People will say this is ridiculous, but if a man becoming a woman is healthy and normal – why not a white person becoming black? Rachel Dolezal is a hero to us all who are born Wrongskin like me. If surgery and hormones can change your gender, why can’t tattoos change your race? Trump would probably have a problem with that too… but he hasn’t banned it yet so I need to act fast.

Trump is just one of those outdated biology bigots and I can’t wait until he’s gone in 2024.

The views and opinions expressed on this website are solely those of the original authors and other contributors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of Gruntworks, the staff, and/or any/all contributors to this site


3 comments on “Coming Out as a Transgender in Trump’s Military

  1. Byzantine

    Slow clap… um. Measured applause?

  2. 173d Viet Vet

    Brillant spoof !!

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