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Gruntworks Military Humor

The Kinky Ginger

While each one of us has had many subordinates under our leadership, we’ve had the few odd balls. No, not what is in your pants right now. Those geeky, nerdy, awkward, weird people. This is the story about my weirdo. I’ll try to keep this thing on track as best I can, but it’s more or less 2 stories rolled into 1. Try to keep up.

This kid came from the rear detachment of a sister organization. He was what many considered the “ass and trash” of the unit. I figured I could at least get him on a solid track and get moving forward. Not up, not down, just forward and then go from there. I will say this; he started with some promise. But that lasted for all of 5 weeks.

It was at this moment I realized the shit storm I had on my hands. Married to a thieving woman of the night. Literally, she met with rando’s and had some fun. Never kept the yard straight, destroyed their on post house. Laundry was a non existent. He was a mess. After a few months of him finally realizing he had a pair of balls, he divorced her and moved back into the barracks. Thank God they didn’t reproduce.

In the barracks, he decided he would keep it just like he kept the house. Only this time he didn’t have a yard to destroy and let go. Counseling after counseling after counseling. I will stop there. The next bit is some bullet points as they don’t really matter. I really just want to get to the meat and potatoes of this one.

A few failed POV inspections, a few out of ranks, and a few failures to obey lawful orders. Counselings. This many must have loved hearing me read to him because I was doing it at least twice a week. UCMJ was a constant in his life. Yet somehow the command team didn’t want to chapter him. They were the brightest and best to lead us into battle, I wonder why they never booted this fool.

Anyway, the first instance which just set me off on this guy was when we had a restrictive radius. We went from having 250 miles to 60 miles. We signed our counselings and went about our lives as our mission was a constant recall with 3 hours or less. The day we sign the counselings…literally within the same hour, he finagles a ride from Fort Hood to Dallas. That’s 3 and a half hours! A few more than 60 miles. He tried to fight the UCMJ on this one but failed, miserably. He said we trapped him and all that fun stuff.

The next hilarious thing he did was this: While about ready to have formation, he walks up and blurts out “Man, I really hate my mom.” We all roll our eyes and play along. “Why what happened this time?” He proceeds to tell us. Apparently his mom didn’t want to keep paying for his car if he couldn’t stop wrecking it and jacking up her insurance. Fair point mom! He got mad. He claims she was taking the car away because she was still mad at him from that one time she called the cops on him.

“Why did she call the cops on you?” This had me hooked. “Well, one day after school I chopped up her cat and buried it in multiple places.”

Wait, what?! I died. I couldn’t handle any more fuckery from this guy. It was unbelievable.

Story number 2 from this fella’ is my favorite. The Pay Day Activities blunder of 2014. Hot as fuck, central Texas. Full ASU inspection. Jack, long sleeves. Everything. Hot. Death. Anywho, following our inspection of uniforms was the barracks checks. I was proud of this guys room by this point. He had come from looking as if he lived in a dumpster to having a respectable room.

The Battery 1SG finally makes it to his room. He’s seen so much on this glorious day already. Comical things. He enters the room and was surprised as anyone could have ever been. Keep in mind, though, this 1SG doesn’t speak American very well. He’s Philippino. So he goes in and sees the staggered drawers. He pulls the top one open and all that can be is “WHATHAFUCKISTHISSSSSSS?!!?!?” When you hear that, you run to where it came from.

I turn the corner into the room and the 1SG is holding a set of pink furry handcuffs, a cat-o-9 tales whip, and a gag ball. I’m in shock. He looks at me, then my Soldier. He didn’t know what to say. He dropped it and moved to the nightstand where he opened the top drawer. He stood straight up and screamed, and I quote “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, A GODDAMN DICK BLOWER?!”

The second he finished that scream, he pulls out a penis pump.

I am ending this there as I can only ruin the story for you. The memories. This is in my top 10 greatest days of being in the Army. Ever.

Until next time, stay classy and drink it dry.

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Active Duty Army Artilleryman; avid Clash of Clans player; husband who thoroughly disgruntled his wife; creator/host of The Ball Pit on Facebook and YouTube; blog writer for Gruntworks; Twitter - @theball_pit; Instagram - @theballpit1; Facebook - @theballpit1; YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCikXVB14OJ_GA5xrV96KSfw Subscribe to the channel, like and follow on all the social media platforms above, and check out all of my blogs found here, and at Gruntworks!

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