All right, you heathens – gather up.
Meach, go get me some baby-wipes; Taco Tuesday is still killing me today. Let that be a warning to you guys – the Tacos in those strip joints are not good for you. (see what I did there?)
Well, apparently between the ongoing fuck-fuck games with Kim IL Yum-Yum, the Syrian mess and the perpetual war in Afghanistan, we have job security for the near future. That being said, some of you dunderheads need to start taking advantage of that tuition assistance and cheap-as-free CLEP tests. (No, not CLAP tests, SGT P – but I know that you and Beau both need one.) I am tellin’ ya – If you don’t get some education or a skill while you are in, you are gonna feel like Adam Sandler in Billy Madison. You will be wasting 4 years sitting in a classroom with a bunch of snowflakes that hate you. Might as well do it now – because other than on Veteran’s Day, that CIB and $4.50 will get you a mocca-frappa-rainbow-unicorn-machiogofuckyourself cup of coffee.
I just wish they would send us somewhere awesome like the Philippines. My understanding is that the R&R time there is banging. I mean that new President-for-life Duterte seems to have the right idea about the way shit should go down…including Monica! But, no – we gotta fight wars in the most dried up, arid, no pussy gettin’, no alcohol having, shitholes that the world has to offer – unless you are in the command staff that is. Speaking of which, any of you fidget spinners see that new movie with Brad Pitt – The War Machine? What did you guys think of that?
OK, I gotta cut this short – cuz Montezuma is having his revenge on my guts right now, and it sounds like a horse pissing when I take a shit. That and I gotta get to the movie to see that Gal Gadot flick…some comic book nerd fest reel. I really don’t care about the movie. I just love those IDF chicks. Man I wish the broads in our Army looked like that!
Don’t do illegal drugs – That MP K9 is faster than Droz’s Heeler!
Don’t beat your wife, don’t beat your meat in public, and stay away from those stripper tacos!
Don’t drink and drive. Call Uber you dumb drunk fucks.
Roll in fireteams and keep your head on a swivel. Speaking of which – if you are gonna play knight in shining armor, you better win the fucking fight.
MEACH!! Where the fuck are you with those baby wipes!?
See you degenerates at PT Monday. Now beat it.
Platoon Sergeants, take charge of your Platoons.