Gruntworks Military Humor Safety

Weekend Safety Brief 4-14-2017

Horseshoe up!

Alright you heathens – you get a three day on which to Remember that Jesus died for your pathetic sinful souls and then rose from the dead to prove he was a badass. But before you get to hunt for gaily colored symbols of pagan fertility left by some freakish joke of nature in the guise of an egg laying rabbit, and attend church for one of the three times that you actually show up for a in year – we get to have a safety brief.

Meach – put down the peeps and beat your face.

It looks like Vlad and the CinC have sorted their shit out – Although that Spicer guy is more fun to watch than the episodes of COPS featuring SGT P, and just as unpredictable.

It seems that the ChiComs have stepped up to the plate and told Kim Yum-Yum Fatboy to calm the fuck down or he wouldn’t need to worry about American Tomahawks, because a billion rice grinding fucks with AKs would solve the problem instead. Even then, that one man famine machine is still threatening to nuke us – although I don’t think anyone is putting much credence into that tubby fucker’s barking.

If you are traveling, try to drive, or at least avoid flying on United. In any case, if the cops tell you to unass a seat – do it. You don’t want to get skull dragged down the middle of the aircraft like a certain doctor – and no you won’t get any VA percentage for the concussion that you might suffer.

Ok – remember to keep it manageable on that thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. If the Padre tells me about anyone puking on his new Easter robes, I will personally drown your ass in the holy water.

Roll in fireteams.

If you are gonna drink, don’t drive.

If you are gonna fuck, get permission and wear a rubber.

Stay away from the MPs this weekend – they love fucking up a holiday and putting grunts on the blotter.

Don’t beat your wife – unless she is into that kinky shit.

And Chop – you and the new Zoomie officer stay the hell out of the strip clubs. You know those strippers don’t love you – but these new joes keep marrying those dependas in waiting. You are setting a bad example.

Meach – recover and go see the Padre for confession.

Platoon Sergeants – take charge of your troops.



E. Michael Davis II, OMar, CPP, 1SG USA (Ret) served nearly 25 years in the United States Army as a Military Police Investigator. His work focused on Investigations, Anti/Counter-Terrorism Operations, Police Special Operations, Intelligence Operations and Force Protection with multiple Joint and Combined Commands. The impact of his work spanned the spectrum from tactical actions to strategic planning and engagement. In this capacity, he worked closely with nearly every security and law enforcement agency of the United States government, as well as dozens of police, security and intelligence agencies of friendly foreign governments. He experienced multiple combat tours in the Gulf War, Bosnia, Afghanistan, and three tours in Iraq. He is a recipient of two Bronze Stars and the Purple Heart amongst many other awards and honors. He earned a Bachelor's Degree in Military History, Graduate Certificate in Terrorism Studies and Master's Degree in Post 1945 Military History from the American Military University - all with honors. He is still active in the anti/counter-terrorism community as well as a freelance author, historian and blogger.

2 comments on “Weekend Safety Brief 4-14-2017

  1. ” episodes of COPS featuring SGT P “. Which episodes? I’d pay good money to see him getting read the riot act while wearing his steel bone dome and red tartan skir… er kilt!

  2. ” episodes of COPS featuring SGT P “. Which episodes are those? I’d pay good money to see SGT P getting reasd the riot act while wearing his steel bone dome and red skir…kilt!

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